The Twilight Zone: Episode 423

It all started with a little voice on the end of my phone at work:

"Hallo? Aamee? Yeash I aam cawlingk do confeerme yourh aappoindmint"

My new dentist's office. I couldn't place the accent and that is my poor attempt to phonetize it. Anyway, I was guessing Indian until I walked into the office and saw that "Katia" was not Indian, but definitely Eastern European, perhaps Russian...yes, Russian.

"Aamee? Ooh eet izz tso niice do see you!"

I noticed her accent and studied it closely because other than the sound of her voice, there was no sound in the immaculate office. No music. No music in a dental office. No other patients either.

Then another lady came out:

"You muszt beh Aamee!"

Then both of them started speaking to each other in the unknown language, that I have now officially deemed as Russian. I decided that the KGB had set up their new offices here in Illinois and were using the dental office as a front for their new experimental procedures. I was now officially hyper-sensitive to everything...my spy mode was turned on and I was immediately looking for the exits since I knew that I did not know how to wield the fancy tools as weapons like they did.

They took me through a door and sat me in a chair facing the window. That was nice. I like facing the window...with no music. They inform me that because I have not been to the dentist in so long that they are going to have to do a full mouth x-ray. They proceeded to put a very strange looking apparatus in my mouth and the following happened 12 times:

"Bite down"

*shuffle shuffle*(Behind the wall)

BLEEP.

*shuffle shuffle* (back over me)

"open!"

The twelfth time I asked if this was normal...all of the bitng down and shuffling and opening. In response to my inquiry:

(Katia pauses as she translates this in her head)

"Yes."

Well okay then.

"Bite down"

*shuffle shuffle*

BLEEP

*shuffle shuffle*

"Open!*

After 15 or so I was really getting curious so I asked again. Why so many pictures? This time a booming male Russian-esque voice answered from an undisclosed location:

"Beecauze eet izz a fowel mout eex-rray"

Spy mode identification sequence enabled: Yes, my dentist is Dr. No. Yeah the same one from James Bond, except I know his name. Boris. Boris No. He had to be named Boris.

So after all of the biting and shuffling was over I was left in the chair by myself to ponder my impending fate with no music staring out the window into a field of brush that I knew was going to be overtaken by a mini-mall with Chipotle or something. That is the future of all brushland. I heard voices in the unknown language pouring over my x-rays. This is a language I did not learn in spy school.

A man in blue dental scrubs came up to me. He was bald and kind of short.

"Hallo Aamee, my naame iz Dochtorr Beckkorr."

Then I looked up and saw that his scrubs said, "Boris" as his first name. Man, I am really good at this spy stuff! Then Boris turned the light on me to the point where I was blinded and told me that he was going to use his new "ultrasonic tool" on me. Great.

"Doo you feeel aany pain?"

*mumpf mumpf*

"Izz eet manageable pain?"

*mumpf mumpf*

I wish I had listened in the spy class about torture. I might have had some insight.

I left knowing that my wisdom teeth are attacking my mouth. Great. So much for the KGB, the enemy is a piece of bone and enamel that are pushing forward mercilessly on my bottom teeth.

Oh yeah and they are Bulgarian.